Hosanna!

Today is Palm Sunday.

When Drew and Abby were babies, Matt and I sat in the sanctuary at church on Palm Sunday and watched as the young children walked up and down the aisles waving palm branches. After the service, we agreed it was very sweet and couldn't wait until our own children would be old enough to participate.

Today was that day. I told them both that they would be in the "parade" and that I couldn't wait to see them as they entered the sanctuary. I found a seat right on the aisle so they would be able to see me.

Abby's class came first and as soon as I saw her I felt my eyes fill with tears. What a precious sight she was - just beaming as I waved and smiled at her. Drew was the leader as his class came in next. Again, my throat felt tight as I held back tears. My heart was filled to overflowing with love for the sweet boy who smiled shyly as he walked by me.

In the moment, I didn't know quite what it was that would make me cry. After all, it was just my kids holding a palm branch. I don't get that emotional when they pick up a stick at the park...what gives? As I looked around though, other mothers were wiping their eyes and smiling proudly as they saw their own children.

I was not alone.

And that's because it's not just that our kids walked by us waving palm branches. What they were doing symbolized the great celebration that took place so long ago in Jerusalem.

On Palm Sunday. A day for celebration before the darkness of Good Friday and before the rejoicing that comes once again on Easter Sunday.

Hosanna was the cry of praise shouted in recognition of the Messiahship of Jesus on his entry into Jerusalem. Though he was a king, he entered as a common man.

Hosanna! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord!

The "Hosannas" quickly turned to "crucify" once Jesus was nailed to the cross. His crown was not one of a king, but a crown of thorns. A crown that He wore as He died to save us from our sins, though He had led a sinless life.

And the love I was feeling for my children as I watched them in church today? It cannot even compare to the love that my Father feels for me.

Because He is perfect and I am not even close to perfect. My love for my children is pure and strong and overwhelming in its intensity. However, my actions and words do not always reflect this.

I love my children and would do anything for them. That does not EVER change. However, I am also impatient, weak, quick to anger, and a whole other host of imperfections that leave me wondering if I am a good mom at all.

I was reminded today of something Abby said to me many months ago. We were in the car and I heard her cry out from her car seat behind me. I asked her what was wrong and with distress she replied, "I got a cut on my foot today at school! This is just awful!" I assured her that it was just a small cut and she would be fine. A few minutes later I heard a loud sigh from the backseat and again I asked her what was wrong.

"Mama, I don't like this cut. This is just not the way God made me."

And today as I sat in church and listened to the wonderful message from Pastor Joel and thought about the precious children that I've been blessed with, I thought to myself, "I don't like the way I am. This is just not the way God made me."

I know I was meant to be a mother. And I know that I am a good mother. But, motherhood is the most important thing I will ever do. I don't want to miss my chance to get it right as all of my imperfections work against me and get in the way of shaping the minds and hearts of my children.

Being a mother is like no other relationship or experience I've ever had. Sometimes it's fun and games. Sometimes it's long conversations trying to convey an important lesson or value. The days can be frustratingly repetitive. The hours are filled with a combination of activities that you wouldn't find listed on a resume. Things like hugging, caretaking, correcting, driving, wiping, laughing, cleaning, snuggling, entertaining, disciplining, sighing, reminding, conflict resolving, kissing, lesson teaching, prodding, encouraging - all as their own expressions of my deep love for my children.

And though all of these things do express my love for them, they also wear on me as I do them over and over and over - sometimes feeling as if I'm getting nowhere at all.

Today I realized this is probably how God feels about me - He is always there for me, He blesses me, He provides His word for me, He answers prayer, He sits in the aisle seat so He can watch me with pride...

And I am like a stubborn child who will not see it. Oh, how He would probably love to send me to "time out" just as I do with my children when they disobey, don't listen, do something that is hurtful, or when I know they just need time to think about what they have done or said.

I really heard the message today from Dr. Hunter: I can't believe enough to fix the mess I am in. I can't do enough to get out of that very same mess. I can't have enough faith to make the mess all go away.

A relationship with Jesus is the only way out. God's ability is what gets us through. To trust Him that all these circumstances will work together for good. To acknowledge Him - that He is in control. He loves me. He has a plan.

God made me for relationship. With my husband, my children, my family, and my friends. And He made me for relationship with Him. And so it is with renewed desire that I attempt to model that for my children. That I do my best to see them through His perfect eyes. Even when it is frustrating. Even when it is repetitive. Even when I feel like I can't do it for another single second.

Today more than ever, I left the service feeling the weight of motherhood on my shoulders. And then I went to pick Abby up from her Sunday School class. The teacher pulled me aside as Abby was walking over from the group.

"You know," she whispered to me, "I just wanted to tell you that I can really tell everything you must do with Abby at home. She is such a good listener - she always knows the answers to the questions about the bible story. And she is so well-behaved and has such a kind heart. She really is a very special little girl. I just felt like I wanted to tell you how special she is."

Of course, I thanked her profusely. However, my initial thought was - "No, she is that way in spite of me."

As I was thinking about the exchange later in the day, it suddenly occurred to me what God had done. He knew how I was feeling. He knew I needed encouragement. He knew I was having doubts about my impact as a mother.

And He provided Abby's teacher as an immediate response of encouragement.

What was my initial reaction? To not accept it.

A stubborn child...

Pastor Joel once said, "Mothers stand on holy ground." It doesn't matter if I'm making a sandwich, bandaging a boo boo, or teaching an important life lesson - I'm standing on holy ground. My actions, my words, my reactions to things - everything I do teaches my children how to relate to this world. And how to relate to The One who created them in His perfect love.

Soon I will go in to check on my sleeping babies. Their faces will look peaceful and innocent - like angels. I do this every night. And every single night I feel my throat tighten and the tears begin to well up in my eyes. Because I know what a blessing they are. I know how wonderful they are. I know their lives are so very precious.

And I know that there are so many things that I could have done better during the day.

I want to be better for them. I want to be the mother they deserve. The one God intended for them to have.

I want to be just the way God made me...

Note To Self...

The kids had a fantastic time in the backyard today. It's only mid-May, but summer seems to be in full swing here in sunny Florida. It's too hot to do much else besides play in the water...














And, it's these next pictures that taught me a lesson today. It's a lesson that I continually find myself having to re-learn over and over, and I'm hoping one of these days it's going to stick. Here's daddy with his adoring playmates...







They had so much fun today because Daddy spent some great quality time with them. He put on his bathing suit, played in the kiddie pool, got splashed with water, chased around the sprinklers, played catch with the beach ball, and they just laughed and laughed.

And, there I was, standing behind the camera.

Don't get me wrong, I love to capture these moments and I wouldn't change the part where I take the pictures.

I would change what came next.

I went inside to get some chores done. Laundry. Dishes. Unpacking the suitcase. Putting away toys. More laundry. Changing sheets. Putting away clothes.

Why can't I get away from it? Why can't I see the wonderful opportunity to just play with my family. To let go and forget about all of the things that "need" to get done and focus on the most important part of my life right now.

And that is soaking up these awesome kids and this amazing age. They are so much fun. Their personalities are bursting. Their love is overflowing.

As I tucked them in tonight, they continued to talk about the fun they had with Daddy today. I'm so happy they had that time, and even happier that they have a Daddy that values quality time with them on a daily basis.

But, I was disappointed in myself. They should have been talking about their fun day with Mommy AND Daddy. I should have put on my bathing suit and jumped right into the fun. I should have forgotten about the chores and focused on not letting days like this slip by as they grow up before my very eyes.

Should.

Should.

Should.

"Should" is not good enough anymore. I NEED to learn this lesson. I WILL learn this lesson.




Just look at these precious faces.

I have no other choice.

My Mama's Day

It was one of those weekends where we were really busy and we're really tired, but it was totally worth it. We went to Animal Kingdom yesterday and had a great day. Then, Matt stayed up late to set up my Mother's Day gift - an awesome computer that I'm using rightthisverysecond!

Today, we went to church...




And then to MGM studios where Drew got to participate in the Jedi Training Academy once again. It was a close call, but he was one of the last kids picked. He's right up in the front again.



Check out that perfect form!




I know I posted video of this from last week, but this one is so much better. We got Drew fighting Darth Vader this time, and he was the only one picked to do this whole thing with the Storm Troopers. He was thrilled!




All the activities were fun and I'm completely loving my fantastic gift. However, the best part of the day was definitely the fact that this was the first year that BOTH of my kids totally understood it was Mother's Day and they were really into it. They were full of hugs and kisses and lots of "Happy Mother's Days." They were so proud of the card they colored for me and after I read it Drew ran over to give me even more hugs and kisses for my "present."

I told him as I tucked him in to bed tonight...that was my favorite part of the day.

Mama, You're A Genius!

The little gems keep flowing right out of Drew's mouth. Matt was even there to witness this one during breakfast the other morning. Drew was so pleased with our reaction to his comment that he often calls me a genius now throughout the day just to get me to laugh. It works.

And, he's right.

But that's neither here nor there.

Moving on... I just had myself a mini-vacation. Matt took the week off from work and suggested that we each take 3 days to "get away" from chores and childcare. It took me all of 3 seconds to decide what I wanted to do.

After church on Sunday, I left for my dad's beach condo.

By myself.

Because I'm an introvert like that.

It was AMAZING!

I read two books, scrapbooked 35 pages, took 3 naps, walked on the beach, sat by the pool, and got lots of takeout.

For those of you who know me, the beach is really not my thing. First of all, there's lots of sand. Also, there's lots of sand. And the sand gets everywhere. And it's usually very hot and then the sand sticks to you. So, to sum it all up - I'm not so much a fan of the sand.

But, the sound of the ocean...totally my thing. I kept the sliding doors open the entire time so I could listen to the ocean as I read or scrapbooked. Mid-day, I was lulled to sleep by the crashing waves. As I stared at the vast expanse of water, I saw dolphins swimming close to shore when the tide was high. I walked on the beach in the morning and collected seashells for my kids in their favorite colors. I only talked to Matt and the kids (and it is so much fun to talk to those kids on the phone these days...they are like little adults) and spent the rest of my time alone. Silence. Re-charging my batteries.

I came home in time to see the kids before they went to bed Tuesday night. Abby latched her arms around my neck in a gigantic hug that seemed endless. I couldn't get enough of their hugs and kisses. I had really missed them and I know they missed me. I told them I had a surprise for them and Abby immediately yelled, "Is it seashells, mama? Did you bring us seashells?" She was right. They loved looking through the shells and seeing which ones I picked for each of them. Drew said it would be a great "decoration" so the bowl of shells sits on our bookcase for everyone to see. For the rest of the night they would come up to me with a sly smile and say they had a surprise for me and hand me one of their books or toys. It was sweet.

The next day we took them to Disney with Matt's parents (pictures coming soon) and today we were back to our normal schedule. It almost feels as if I never left.

But, I did. And it was good. And I thank my husband for recognizing that I needed that time away to feel refreshed. A break from the daily fight to keep two little people alive and well.

I loved those few days to do my favorite things, but I love the people that I missed so much more.

So, even though today we had a tough day...it's good to be home.

In fact, it's great.

Because I Love Me Some Irony

I've known for a long time that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom when I had kids. It all began with my own mother. For many, many years she stayed home with us and that really made a difference in my life. I mean, really, how could I not vividly remember all the pampering that was showered upon my brother and me. We lived the good life during those elementary school years. Austin and I still reminisce about how she gently woke us in the morning and carried us out to the couch where she would tuck us into yet another blanket so we could watch cartoons. She would rub our feet to wake us up while we decided what we wanted for breakfast and then she would bring our breakfast out to the couch. Our clothes were neatly laid out so we could get dressed at our leisure.

I'm not kidding or exaggerating at all - this really happened.

Sick days were even better. We were settled into our parent's bed with a paper cup of Pepsi to ease our sick tummies. We watched game shows and soap operas all day while our mama did everything she could to make us as comfortable as possible.

Still...not kidding or exaggerating.

Her job was to take care of us. She was there when we got home from school. She was the perfect hostess to any birthday party. She was game for slumber parties and pool parties. She took us to dance competitions and soccer tournaments. She was there. She was present. She was constant.

I loved it.

Who wouldn't?

I decided I wanted to be a counselor when I was in high school after being inspired by a former teacher (and current exceptional friend). When it was time to specialize in a counseling field for my Master's Degree, I ultimately chose school counseling. I reasoned that I would still be in the field that I loved, but I would have the flexibility to be with my future children as much as possible. I would have the same schedule as my school-age children and those children were going to be my priority. If I was going to work outside the home then at least I would be working the same hours that my children were in school.

Thankfully, Matt and I were on the same page about me staying home with the kids until they go to kindergarten. We planned well, saved even better, and have always made choices (financially) that reflect this priority for us.

It doesn't hurt that my sugar-daddy of a husband totally provides for us. Thanks, honey.

I have now been home with our children for over 4 years and these are years that I will always cherish and know that I spent well. It is not easy, it's not always fun, and I'm not even close to being a perfect mom. But, I'm doing the best I can, and so far these little people are turning out pretty well.

And, I've got to tell you, I really like staying home with them. I don't miss work. When the kids are older and I go back to work, Matt plans to use my salary to save for retirement. I keep trying to tell him that I'm already retired, but he doesn't really think that is funny.

CPA's have an odd sense of humor.

Right after Abby was born, my brother came over for dinner and game night. He was wearing a shirt that simply said, "Unemployed." Ummm....hello? When he bought that for himself way out in California did he not think it appropriate to buy one for his unemployed sister?

I'll save you the suspense...he didn't.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do. I forced him to take off the shirt and give it to me. I sent him home in one of my old t-shirts. That "unemployed" shirt now belongs to me and Austin really didn't have a say in the whole matter.

He probably knew better than to argue with a sleep-deprived woman.

I LOVE wearing that shirt. When the kids were still babies, I would put that shirt on and push the unwieldy double stroller around the mall while I got all kinds of funny looks from people. And, boy did they ever give me funny (or disapproving) looks. But, I think it's hilarious and you could never convince me otherwise.

I still enjoy wearing the "unemployed" shirt as much as possible. Clearly, I have a job. A very important job. The most important job I'll ever have.

But, I'm still loving my years of unemployment. I may as well let the world know as such...

A Full Heart

Raising preschoolers is no easy task. There's not a lot of concrete evidence that my children are learning the things that I feel are valuable and important. In a typical career there are performance reviews, evaluations, and other assessment tools that let you know that you are reaching goals and doing your job well. It's not the same with parenting. The jury is still out on what these kids are absorbing on a daily basis and we mostly just try to survive around here. In fact, when Matt asks what we have done that day, I often reply "I'm just trying to keep people alive, okay?"

Clearly, I'm not defensive about this at all.

But, really. There just aren't many days as a parent when you can be sure that you are on the right track. There aren't immediate rewards. And, most of my time is spent in those daily tasks that feel so unimportant and that never change, but they are necessary nonetheless. There are things that I hope they are learning from me and, unfortunately, there are those days when I lose my temper and I hope that those are the things they will forget.

How can it be measured? How do I know what is being stored away in their little hearts and minds? I know these early years are critical as their personalities are forming, but what will be the end result?

Then, as if God knows I need some reassurance, I get a clear glimpse into the heart of my sweet Drew. He has such a tender heart. He shows love to others so easily. He forgives my mistakes so completely. And he takes care of his little sister with a protective spirit.

A few weeks ago, I went to visit my grandfather for the day. I was home in time to put the kids to bed. Drew and I snuggled in bed as we do each night. And, as usual, I asked him what his favorite part of the day was. He hesitated, so I tried to prompt him..."was it going to the park or playing video games..." He put his arm around my neck and said "No, no, mama. My favorite part was when you came back."

I love this age where he expresses his love so easily. For so long you ask them to say "I love you" or ask them to give you a kiss or hug. Drew has reached the age where he does it all on his own. And, let me tell you, it makes it THAT MUCH BETTER when your child gives you a kiss or hug unprompted. In fact, just this week we were at a doctor's appointment and the doctor and I were talking for a long time. Drew was being such a good boy considering the circumstances. Then, he crawled into my lap and snuggled up against me as I talked with the doctor. Every minute or two he would sit up and kiss me on the cheek and then snuggle back into my shoulder. When we were leaving I was sure to praise Drew for his excellent behavior and he replied, "Well that's ok mama. I just love you!"

And, the time a few months ago that I'll never ever forget. My mom was over visiting with the kids and I got a telephone call with some bad news. Since my mom was there, I had the luxury of going by myself to my room so I could just cry without worrying the kids. But, it didn't work out that way. Drew parked himself outside my bedroom door and kept calling for me. My mom tried to distract him, but he persisted. I could tell he was looking under my bedroom door as he said, "Mama, I can't see you. Mama, I need you. Mama, let me in." Frustrated that I couldn't even have a few moments alone, I went to open the door. I asked him, "Drew, what is it?" He ran in and said, "Mama, you need me. Can I snuggle you?" My heart melted at his empathy for me even in the face of my selfishness. And we did snuggle. And I felt infinitely better than if I had been alone. And my four year old knew it before I did.

So, I have to accept the fact that parenting offers no guarantees. And there may not be much evidence along the way that things are going to turn out all right.

But, I have to tell you, I'm getting less worried each day as I watch my precious son grow up before my very eyes.

I guess I don't need a performance review after all. I just need to know where to look.

His heart.